Allow me to start this by saying that this was the single worst movie I have ever seen in my life. I have never laughed harder during a horror movie. Some highlights included the dad having a PTSD episode where he screamed at his family and then proceeded to sprint out of the room, cameo appearances by Darth Vader and Darth Maul, and the stock audio clips that the villain used as a way to communicate to the little girl. Now that that part is out of the way, here is The Amityville Haunting Movie Review brought to you by Things I Fear which is already worse than it sounds.
Okay, the entire movie is supposed to be about a family who moves into the Amityville house. The one where the dad went insane and shot his entire family while they slept. If you aren’t familiar with the movie, don’t worry, at no point do they make any reference towards it. The only time you ever hear about what happened in the house is when the cop decides he’s “going to ask an honest question” and then immediately leaves the house before anyone can answer him. As a fan of both the original and the more acclaimed The Amityville Horror, I want to say how happy I am that this movie didn’t even attempt to keep any continuity in their efforts to make the single worst cinematic piece of garbage ever created.
Basically what happens is this family moves into a house without really asking any questions about it, considering other options, or really doing anything that a normal family would do during the moving process. Their realtor looks like she was found on the street and asked to guide a tour of the house. But don’t worry, she flees the scene and is found dead thirty seconds later. You would think this would deter the family from buying the house…but no. They hire some incompetent movers and are on their way. Minutes later, one of the movers is killed so they continue unpacking and get themselves settled in for a cozy night’s stay. Yes, two people die within 24 hours but this does not even render as a thought to this family. Except the wife who cries for a minute then quickly suffers from a serious case of sudden personality change which both parents seem to have. It’s actually really funny listening to them go from sweet, happy and considerate to screaming at the kids and making them regret being born.
Over the course of 5 nights (though it feels like an eternity) a teenage boy is sucked into oblivion, an Australian man is electrocuted in a terrible accident that is completely irrelevant to the plot, the daughter becomes possessed every time she opens the fridge, the dad thinks he’s battling in war, and the son becomes the most annoying child on the face of the planet. No one in this movie has any skills when it comes to acting, their lines seem to be made up on the spot (improv fans will be disappointed), the plot is almost nonexistent, and there really isn’t a clear villain or enemy or anything that can even be remotely considered a threat. I mean, a door opens once or twice and sometimes a man is standing in places he shouldn’t be, but that’s about it. The real killer is a kid who looks eerily similar to Jake from Two and a Half Men. I think he’s the killer…Maybe it’s the other guy who can move his neck really fast. It’s all very confusing.
There are more plot holes in this movie than cheap screams. The first 5 minutes really set the stage for what to expect. Because nothing happens. You would expect that something would, but it doesn’t. The narrating scenes with the blonde kid are the most frustrating moments. Even more so than all the static or completely black scenes where you can almost hear the rustling of paper as the “actors” are saying their lines. Honestly, this movie was almost painful to watch. I’ve seen some really bad movies…but this one…I don’t even think it’s fair to talk about. It’s just in a class of its own when it comes to things you can’t believe you just saw.
Congratulations on reading the Amyitville Haunting Movie Review. Now do yourself a favour: never watch this movie.
