The basic premise of this cinematic gem stars a groups of misfits who were the product of the worst casting job since the dawn of time as they embark on a quest in a house with unsolved mysteries about.. Something. Before the opening credits even start, a group of hooligans throw a rock at the house. The fat guy of the group (along with the generic black guy and overconfident white guy) discovers a Twinkie, and then the white guy gets hit by a car because a woman looks at him. Spooky! Based on this, here’s yet another Things I Fear Movie Review for The Haunting of Whaley House. You can either watch the movie for yourself or let us know why you’re avoiding it on Facebook because it’s good to share things like that.
So now the movie really starts. And gets really bad, really fast. A girl leading a tour has one of her guidettes start seizing and foaming at the mouth while everyone stands around awkwardly. This is where things unwind rapidly. The group of misfits starts drinking in a cemetery and then decide to tour a house together. The group includes the following cast of unknown actors and actresses that will never amount to anything: a wise black man, one of the members of Good Charlotte, Urkel, the useless tour guide, the nice guy, and a faceless chick who couldn’t get killed off fast enough. Though it was for the best so she could remove herself from this movie.
Anyway, so there are some really cheap thrills that only enhance the absolutely pitiful acting and script. There are too many scenes and small examples to mention. The best parts are all of the explanations to justify the stupidity. My personal favorite: “yeah, that happens. Ghosts often drain the battery of cellphones, ipods, and cameras. They feed off of it” which is basically the writers realizing they needed a way to tie everything together so no questions would be asked. Good save.
After the shadow puppets attack, the cops come by and read their lines off each other’s badges. One of the cops gets a free massage while the other one gets his head touched by a woman who moves at less than one frame per second. One of the characters gets a bright idea to chase a demonic child who sounds like a soundbite from Roller Coaster Tycoon while the rest of the group hangs out with the evil version of the putrid red head.
Thanks to some fantastic editing, the ending of the movie makes me question why I even started watching this masterclass of awful. All of the pathetic spooky attempts aside, the plot and script is just so predictable and weak. Before the wall gives birth (spoiler alert), the last remaining male gets his head sliced off courtesy of a conveniently placed wire. A family reunion ensues and roll credits. Hope you enjoyed the Haunting of Whaley House Movie Review almost as much as I enjoyed knowing it was over.
