Every year, thousands of people make the executive decision that “this is the year I finally ____”. Whether you fill in that blank with “lose weight”, “try new things”, “make new friends”, “gain weight”, or “quit smoking”, most people give up before the calendar hits February. Committing to things is hard at the best of times but it’s even more challenging when your motivation is essentially because a digit has increased by 1. While some resolutions tend to be easier to maintain than others, sometimes resolutions are actually quite frightening to even attempt. Take a look at the Top 10 Scariest Resolutions and don’t forget to comment with why this year is going to be different and/or the exact same!
10. Try New Foods – What better way to find out you have an allergy to something than by spontaneously deciding to eat it? Trying new foods can be a lot of fun because you can host regrettable dinner parties and force delectable meals you can’t pronounce onto your friends and family.
9. Be More Active – So this is the year you’ve decided to use your legs to get to the fridge instead of rolling there or just ordering delivery. Good for you! However, studies have shown that walking is actually more dangerous than staying perfectly still. Are you sure you’re willing to take that risk?
8. Start Smoking – As an alternative to the classic ‘quitting’, you can instead try to get yourself addicted to something designed to slowly kill you. Cigarettes are naturally produced with organic tar, the gas that fuels fireplaces, and other delightful chemicals whose names would serve as great spelling bee questions.
7. Get Out of Debt – By far the easiest one to do. Struggling to pay the bills? Just pay them! Not enough money to buy food? Just make more money! Getting out of debt is as easy as taking out another mortgage on your house. You can also try the noble art of shoplifting or donating your body for science and/or internet love.
6. Start a New Hobby – Most artists died before a single one of their paintings became famous. Learning from this, modern artists began colouring inside the lines earlier than ever. Similarly, many musicians didn’t know they had a gift until they started selling out stadiums after someone made a Facebook fan-page for them. Everyone has a hidden talent that just needs a fresh January to unlock.
5. Get a Gym Membership – If you’re looking for an advanced version of number 9 from this list, consider donating a portion of your paycheque for a membership to a massive conglomerate that literally feeds on people losing weight. Why do push-ups at home when you can pay to do it in front of strangers who can quietly judge you?
4. Travel Somewhere New – Just hop in a plane and go. Don’t even ask where the plane is taking you. The Earth is a massive, flat planet just waiting to be explored. Granted, it’s mostly just water so there’s not much to actually do outside of the city you live in. On second thought, just stay home and watch Netflix or read a new book.
3. Put Down the Cellphone – Fans of the “Fear of Being Obsessed With Your Cellphone” post will know this is a frightening concept for several reasons. There may be no tougher resolution than actually looking up at a sunset rather than scrolling through your Instagram feed after searching for #sunsets. Take baby steps by turning to the person in the room and saying “hi” rather than texting them.
2. Expand Your Friendship Network – Remember when you were in elementary school and everyone could be friends with anyone as long as they had pencil crayons? Once you hit your 30s, 40s or any age group outside what is defined as a decade, making new friends is tough. You can try going to quarterly platonic speed-dating night but who has the time?
1. Face Your Fears – While the start of a new calendar year might seem like the perfect time to enter a cage, plunge into the depths of the ocean and try to pet a shark, there are better options. Perhaps start by adopting an entire litter of dogs, visiting the dentist just for fun, or deciding to spawn a child on a dare.
New Year’s Resolutions are silly. So silly that they inspire Top 10 Scariest Resolutions posts to people who prey on cynical content. If you want to change something in your life, change it on your own time. Everyone can find ways to improve something about themselves but shouldn’t need to feel pressured to have to make that change. Live your life the way the way you want to live it. As long as doing or not doing something makes you happy, why change? And who said this post had to be 100% sarcastic?
