I should start by saying that there really isn’t going to be a list of the top 10 best animals to get eaten by. Mostly because there really isn’t such thing as a good animal to get eaten by. However, in the sense of “If you had to choose…” I think this list does its job in achieving whatever it is that needs to be done. Any disagreements can be sent to me directly via email. You should all have my email by now. Try to use your imagination here and avoid going all National Geographic on me. Okay, here’s the list of the Top 10 Worst Animals to get Eaten By that couldn’t be more irrelevant:
10. Dinosaurs – This could have taken the number 1 spot pending dinosaurs could get over the whole “being extinct” issue they’ve been dealing with for the last couple million years. Unfortunately, they couldn’t resolve that before this was made and therefore have been slotted in the tenth position. Whether it’s a 40 foot T-Rex leaning over to pick you up in with its 12-inch teeth or a Kronosaurus swimming by and devouring you, dinosaurs have a lot to offer in terms of how they would eat you alive. Even the herbivores would get in on the action, I’m sure. Of course, their lack of existing makes it hard for them to be a legitimate threat.
9. Birds – Any bird would be bad to be eaten by mostly because it would just be annoying for the person being eaten. Could you imagine being pecked at for 14 hours by a robin? I mean, at least a crow would go for the eyes first. The robin would just be there nibbling on your shoelaces for the first half an hour. Once it got on its game though, that would hurt. And it wouldn’t be an instantaneous death like with a dinosaur or some of the other predators on this list. That’s what would make this animal so hauntingly painful to be eaten by.
8. Lions – These cats can run. Fast. They use their speed to catch whatever prey was dumb enough to mistake them for a fluffy kitten. They maul their victims with razor sharp teeth and claws. Leaving nothing but a pile of bones for vultures to pick at. When they aren’t ferociously tearing their prey to shreds, lions enjoy basking in the sun for hours. Thankfully, lions aren’t exactly a common sight around this part of the world. What with the lack of a sufficient savannah and all. Besides, they are just cats.
7. Hyenas – Sticking with the Savannah theme, I would like to introduce to you an animal that you probably weren’t too familiar with. Aside from the cameo appearance in The Lion King, hyenas are mostly known for their sinister laugh. Which they really do. But usually only as they are crunching down on your skull. Their jaws are far more powerful than that of a lion. Worse, they know basic anatomy. They don’t just bite your legs or your arms; they go straight for the throat or the head. To make matters worse, they carry more diseases than anything else out there because they eat so many infected carcasses. So even if you do survive the attack, the amount of deadly bacteria coursing through your body won’t make you last too long. Oh, I forgot to mention they are nocturnal. So it would be kind of like fighting Freddy Krueger.
6. Panthers – Included in this realm are cheetahs, cougars, leopards, and tigers. They are as fast as they are deadly. And they are all masterful hunters. Like any cat, they stalk their prey while remaining completely hidden from sight. When they pounce, they come at you with pure speed and raw power. Claws that can rip your limbs off and teeth that can tear through your flesh, these cats go straight for the throat. Oh, and they aren’t necessarily limited to just the African terrain.
5. Snakes – There are a few types of snakes in the world. There are the ones that don’t bother you because they couldn’t if they tried, the ones that could kill you with a single drop of venom, the ones that squeeze you to death, and the ones that seem like they aren’t a threat until they display their fangs as they coil around you. Some snakes could swallow you whole and be done with it. However, it’s the ones that bite first and ask questions later that you should really be afraid of. Their venom paralyzes you, causing you to stay motionless while still completely aware of what is happening. You can’t move but you can still feel pain. If the snake decides your bones are getting in the way of it feasting on you, have no fear, it will wrap itself around those pesky bones and shatter them to dust. Then it begins the ingesting process. This could take a while. Not that you are in any condition to go anywhere.
4. Bears – They are tall. They have claws and teeth. They weigh a lot. All in all, they know their body and how to use every bone-crushing part of it to make a meal out of you. The worst part about bears is thinking that you can just outrun one because of how big they are. I guarantee you couldn’t outrun a hungry bear even if you had a head start. (For liability purposes, please do not attempt to outrun a hungry bear). With a single swipe of their massive paws, a bear could crush your entire face. Then they use their sheer size to overpower you, pin you to the ground and begin to tear you apart without any disregard for your well being.
3. Alligators – Yes, this includes crocodiles. At least one of them (I’m not one to do any research or fact-checking) does this thing where they pull you under water and spin really fast. They aren’t interested in biting you once and killing you. Oh no. That would be far too easy. They bite somewhere to paralyze you (like the neck) and then viciously spin underwater until you either drown or bleed out. That would be the good choice for you to make. You don’t want to be alive when they use their teeth to tear you to pieces.
2. Sharks – Granted, most sharks pose little-to-no threat to humans and the ones that do rarely attack, however, in the cases where a shark does attack you, it never ends well. Consider our dear friend Jaws. He left behind the remains of his first victim which consisted of a hand and part of a torso. Everything else was gone. Picture yourself at the beach, having a good time in the water when a 20 foot black mass enters your peripheral vision. Before you can even scream the identity of your assailant, rows of thousands of teeth are exposed and are slicing through bone. Lifeless, black eyes stare at you from just under the surface of the water as the shark sinks those jagged teeth into you. Of course, when there’s blood in the water that attracts more sharks.
1. Ants – You laugh now, but I want you to really think about this one. I’m not talking about one ant. Because when do you ever see just a single ant walking around? You see ten. Ten thousand. Maybe more. Picture yourself being covered with ants, each one biting at a different part of your body. Entering every exposed orifice: your mouth, your nose, and your ears. Plus whatever else they can crawl into. Wherever an ant can fit, they will go. The pain of thousands of teeth slowly devouring your body as you become covered by more and more ants. Think about it: If a single shark attacks you, you can focus your own counter-attack back on it. But how can you defend yourself when you are outnumbered one million to one?
Disagree with my list of the Top 10 Worst Animals to be Eaten By? You know where to contact me. If you don’t it’s either here or here.
