In order to ensure mass appeal, this post will be written for both types of people in the world. There are those who are afraid of ever indulging in sweet, reliable, addictive caffeine. There are also those who cannot fathom a morning without consuming at least 1 gallon before braving society. While yes, the nectar of the Gods is often regarded as an unnecessary (or disgusting) beverage to some, it’s the most important meal of the day to others. No matter which side of the cup you are on, the one constant is Fear of Coffee can impact anyone.
Drinking From a Grande Fear of Coffee
Growing up, you probably smelled or even took a sip of your parents coffee and thought it was the most vile substance ever brewed. Then one of two things happened a few years later. You either admitted your senses lied to you and coffee became the greatest thing since coffee-flavoured sliced bread (patent pending). Or you stuck to your guns and vowed to never take a sip of any stimulant because you were already way too high on life. The third option no one talks about is that neither scenario happened and you have no idea what is happening right now.
According to a study that will go unvalidated, coffee is technically considered a drug. This is because it contains caffeine. Caffeine is known to cause a rise in body temperature, rapid heartbeat, nausea, and death. (That last one might actually be a cause of cyanide poisoning. I had two tabs open and might have accidentally quoted the wrong one). The effects of coffee can also be considered a placebo because how could something cause you to become equal parts attentive, jittery, and have no effect at all? Coffee is truly a miracle product. Fabricated by scientists isolated from human interaction. Or grown in vast fields in bean form. Again, two tabs open.
Decaffeinate Your Fear of Coffee
When it comes to coffee, people often get the word ‘addicted’ confused with ‘casually enjoy’. Just because you are willing to spend $14 on a cardboard cup filled with liquid that has your name spelled wrong on it does not mean you are dependent. Also before you get all “seems like you’re just promoting a certain brand here”, let me stop you right there. If this was just an ad for a popular coffee establishment originating on the West Coast of the United States of America, you would probably see a name for it by now. Instead, it’s quite the opposite. You can always read about having a Fear of Starbucks by clicking the middle of this sentence though!
Perhaps your Fear of Coffee originates from understanding it is often served at scalding temperatures. In order to reduce the chances of receiving third-degree burns, it is considered best practice to put a small, plastic lid on top of your cardboard cup. If all else fails, put that cardboard cup into another cardboard cup. Results may vary. You could also order an iced coffee but you may be accused of being a witch. If you really want to take the fun out of coffee entirely, you can drink one without caffeine in it. That way you get all the nourishment of ambiguous brown liquid with all of the side-effects except for staying up past your bed time. It’s sort of like drowning a salad in dressing to hide all of those pesky leaves.
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