Fear is on every street corner and its name is Starbucks. Let’s say you like caffeine to the point where you feel compelled to consume it everyday in large quantities. Or you just have a craving for a warm beverage you can barely pronounce. Chances are you have visited a Starbucks before to satisfy this need. Or you’ve gone to another of the dozen coffee establishments in your neighbourhood essentially offering the exact same thing at varying price points. It’s entirely possible you have a Fear of Starbucks and avoid going to them altogether.
Fear of Starbucks is in the Stars
There is a lot to Fear about Starbucks. There is that menacing octopus-lady logo (you definitely just Google’d the logo), long lines, and the ambient sounds of people exploiting free WiFi. Even regular customers have a lot to think about when they leave their homes and enter through those doors. They are greeted by the sight of a line of friendly morning people anxiously scratching at their arms in anticipation for their latest fix. The thought of “What if my regular barista isn’t working today?” is quickly met with the horrible realization that Dennis is at the helm instead of Julia. Only Julia knows that it’s brown sprinkles on top of the low-fat whipped cream that towers high on top of the grande mocha-latte Frappuccino! Dennis knows nothing about the suffrage of enduring a non-sprinkled coffee for $9.75. Nothing.
When Dennis finally gets to crafting the first of your 5 daily (and each completely necessary) beverages, he demands you share one of the most intimate details about your life in order to receive it. Your name. Is it your fault that your name has 2 silent letters along with an additional ‘N’ that offers no significant impact on the pronunciation? No. Though it is his fault for spelling it wrong on your cup. He then has the audacity to awkwardly fumble through the verbal announcement much to the amusement of onlookers. Onlookers who, at that moment, forget they are awaiting hearing failed declarations of their own names. “I have a large pike for…Scepnter”. “Do you mean…Spencer?”. “That’s not what the cup says”.
Get the Bucks Out for Fear of Starbucks
If you’ve made it through the gauntlet of receiving your drink, it’s time to make a choice. Whether or not you are feeling inclined to purchase a CD. A CD featuring a band you’ve never heard. A CD that costs slightly less money than your coffee itself. You pick up a CD and lightly blow the dust off of it to reveal the tracklist. Logic dictates you won’t buy it because no one uses CDs anymore. Yet, you hesitate. You know you want to support the little guy. The up-start group that just needs its big break to one day be featured on every radio station and streaming service. You stare at it with longing interest before ultimately deciding on a sliver of banana bread equivalent to the cost of a down payment on a house. Starbucks thanks you for your contribution.
Doomed to repeat the process forever, Dennis waves at you as you turn to walk out the doors and shouts an enthusiastic “see you tomorrow!” that reverberates off the walls a thousand times a day and repeats in your head throughout your entire journey back to your office. You slowly shuffle your feet, retrieving your cell phone to take that coveted selfie your followers need to see and take a deliberate sip of the beverage that scorches your mouth like the flames of hell as you contemplate your decisions that morning and wonder if you are making the right choices in life. And Dennis forgot the damn sprinkles!
