‘Tis the season to suddenly realize you are afraid of that jolly, obese man who knows where you live because he watches you 24/7. Fear of Santa is real.
Let’s put it this way: Would you let your best friend climb onto your roof, slide down the chimney, walk around your house and leave mysterious boxes under a conveniently placed tree? Probably not. Now, would you let a complete stranger who uses the power of flying horses and a glorified toboggan to break into your house and give you the same treatment? I rest my case.
What else needs to be said about Jolly Ol’ St. Nick? The man lives by himself (we all know there is no Mrs. Clause) in the middle of nowhere. He spends 364 days of the year watching everyone and judging their actions until he is satisfied about whether the person will be showered in gifts or given a single lump of coal. One day a year he flies around the world on a magical sled and personally delivers what he determines to be suitable gifts to all of the children in the world. It’s like how the Easter Bunny just wants to fatten you up with chocolate. What’s the end game here?
There are several reasons to have a Fear of Santa. Ignoring the fact that he openly brags about seeing you when you are sleeping, the man has no real job and no one can confirm his identity. For all you know, “Santa” is just a previous occupant of your house sneaking in at night because you forgot to change the locks. Santa could also be that man you see muttering to himself quietly on the bus. The point is, Santa is terrifying because you don’t know what he actually looks like or the real reason why he could be in your house. Right now. No wait, that’s just an armed robber with a beard. My bad.
Realizing you have a Fear of Santa can be detrimental to your health. For starters, you are afraid of someone that doesn’t actually exist. (Kids, don’t read that last sentence). Besides, you have more important things to worry about. A sudden outspread of disease, global warming, your third failed marriage in the last 5 years, and the new Adam Sandler movie. It’s a jungle out there.
I’ll finish this the way all self-help articles should be finished: If you, or someone you know, has a Fear of Santa..Seek help. Because I can’t help you. You’re the one leaving milk and cookies out for the man who just broke into your house in the middle of the night.
Ho-Ho-Ho.
