Horses are the epitome of why not every animal can be domesticated with success. A docile cat ambivalently batting a dangling string wishing it was a mouse it could rip apart is adorable. A dog gnawing on the skeletal remains of the corpse of another animal on a Sunday morning is the American dream. A goldfish, confined to a glass tomb, swimming a foot in one direction before quickly pivoting to the other direction is like a calming breeze. Meanwhile, a horse will literally kick you in the face for no reason. Yet, everyday someone is claiming a horse is their pet based on its beauty, majesty, and utter disregard for indoor plumbing. So this post is less about Fear of Getting Kicked in the Face and more about Fear of Horses.
The Mane Tail Behind Fear of Horses
You can train a horse to leap over a small stack of conveniently placed wooden bars for amusement. Horses can even leap over other small stacks of items too. You can also ride a horse into the sunset. This may seem majestic, but the surface of the sun is very hot and horses lack the ability to recognize this. A horse is basically a zebra with slightly less controversy over which is the primary colour of its skin. Zebras live in the wild and will also kick you in the face for no reason. So why do horses get a free pass? It surely cannot just be because society needed somewhere to place an overstock of saddles, can it?
Standing at over 10 feet tall (facts not supported by science), a horse looks down on humans with a menacing grin. For this reason, humans are instructed never to attempt to glance at its sinister smile. Even in the rare times a horse might surprise you with a present, it’s best to look away. Another word of warning is to avoid stomping with force on the corpse of a dead horse of course. These messages have been passed down for generations from people with Fear of Horses. More or less.
Fear of Horses Walks Into a Bar and Says…
Yes, it’s true. Horses often find themselves the subjects of poorly told puns and knock-knock jokes. Horses are sometimes referred to as natures punching bags because one time a horse was told where it could find water but it didn’t think to bring a glass or straw so it remained thirsty. You would think time would make people forget that blunder, but elephants never forget. Whoops, wrong animal idiom. Horses were also recently made famous in a Netflix series starring a talking horse with a talking dog as a best friend. The two friends are just trying to make it under the bright lights of Hollywoo (did that get a laugh?) while doing their part to serve as role-models to the kids who idolize them. It’s a delightful show full of whimsical adventure, cute animal names, and strong use of drugs and alcohol.
For all the horrifying things that make Fear of Horses real, there’s a lot to love about these free-spirited beasts. Horses have great, unique personalities and form strong bonds with those that care for them. They have long, luscious hair that somehow flows in the wind even when they are standing still indoors. Horses often a fast and reliable mode of transportation which is why cars started measuring their movement capabilities to the power of horses. Horses also travel together in packs called herds or ‘packaged meat’. This is quite the sight to behold both in the wild or in caged captivity. Er…on farms. Didn’t mean to go all Tiger King on you there. Did that reference work? I’ve never seen it.
