The cloud is not your run-of-the-mill Fear. While most Fears are tangible objects to be afraid of like Jell-O, or Snakes, some can also be frightening concepts like public urination. Or the ever-awkward family gathering. Or in this case, the cloud. Having a Fear of the Cloud means you not only acknowledge there is a higher power up there, but it stores everything you do in one convenient location which can be accessed by anyone if you don’t adjust your privacy settings. The cloud is a media storage hub for pictures not worthy of keeping on your computer, videos too large to be shared on a USB stick, and screenshots you didn’t mean to take but don’t want to delete in case they one day become relevant. The cloud sees all and knows all.
Backing-Up Your Fear of the Cloud
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: The cloud is a lot like Santa. Yes, jolly ol’ Saint Nick soars through the sky casting judgement on those beneath him. He even occasionally showers people with gifts for leading mediocre lives. Similarly, the cloud consumes your forgotten media, processes what it sees, and showers people with the gift of “remember that time when…” in the form of unphotogenic surprises. Did you think it was just a coincidence that tech deals for computers, floppy discs and hard-drives only come out toward Christmas? Nope. That’s the work of the cloud.
When the cloud is not absorbing all of your personal content via WiFi, it is calmly awaiting its next feast. What does it do during this off-time? No one has been brave enough to attempt to navigate the cloud without immediate purpose. It’s sort of like Siren Head.
How to Disconnect From Your Fear of the Cloud
The cloud, like any other concept no one quite understands, is subject to rapidly changing opinions. This can often lead to paranoia and people petitioning for its demise. It’s like when someone urges you to save the whales. Has anyone ever actually seen a whale before? Much like those blubbery creatures of the deep, the cloud can often be misunderstood for the better or worse.
The easiest way to avoid a crippling Fear of the Cloud would be to simply not utilize any cloud-based software program. Instead, keep all of your most prized possessions locked in a box and/or purchase a second house to store everything. Of course, this runs the risk of having your physical possessions and potentially your identity stolen. It is instead recommended to not own anything at all. You can live in the wilderness, foraging for food by borrowing from the land. Your house will be replaced by a series of loose branches and small rocks, your phone contacts replaced by animals, and the cloud replaced by actual clouds. The cloud isn’t so bad once you can survive the life of a minimalist. So get out there!
