Remember when you were younger and there would be that one kid who would say, “what the H, E, Double-Hockey Sticks!?” and you would have no idea what they were trying to communicate? Halloween is spelled like that too what with the H, A, Double-L, O, Double-U, Double-E, N. Of course, nowadays no one speaks like that because that’s insane and it looks even worse in writing. It does, however, make for a really unique intro to a post about Fear of Halloween. As far as pointless yet topical posts go, this one might be the winner. Get ready for a lot of references to older posts subtly tucked into paragraphs that go bump in the night!
Bobbing for Fear of Halloween
Halloween, like Christmas, occurs every year on the same date. The only difference is Christmas is sponsored by a man wearing a large, red winter jacket who hands out toys to children by sneaking into their houses at night. Halloween’s mascot is a mix of the undead, ghosts, and a general calamity of monsters. Halloween is the one time of year where it is socially acceptable for children to walk up to strangers and demand candy. You can dress like the latest, over-referenced internet fad, become someone you idolize, or transform yourself into an unrecognizable monster. Your neighbour might open the front door and find themselves staring directly into your cold, dead eyes. Their outstretched hand quivers as it drops a fistful of Glosettes into your Power Rangers pillowcase. Your destiny is coming true with the sweet offerings of neighbours from earlier in the night.
There are a lot of crazy people out there. Some wait until Halloween to go to their local grocery store to purchase a bag full of apples and razor blades to make some sort of granny smith death trap. It’s super messed up. Those are usually the people who have about 15 different online dating profiles each with a unique reason for why they have zero profile clicks. This is why police do a background check on anyone who buys apples during the month of October. Yes, big brother has a big apple pie in the sky watching your every move. Now there’s a Halloween costume!
Trick-or-Treating Your Fear of Halloween
Halloween is a day of giving. Like when you give me money in exchange for a copy of a new book. It’s a wonderful day of fun for all ages. Whether you are a parent of a young child who takes 3 hours to get dressed up in a costume they didn’t decide on for themselves, or an adult who waits for this one day a year to wear a snake-skin bodysuit, or even someone who simply likes to attempt to conjure the tortured spirits of the damned on all hallows eve, Halloween truly has something for everyone. It’s also a great time for long sentences. Wow. Halloween is a great way to start a conversation with a total stranger to determine whether they are aware it’s Halloween or are actually a deranged serial killer after you discover them crawling in through a basement window.
Have a safe, happy Halloween! Post pictures of your costume on our Facebook page or give us a shout-out on our Instagram page and you won’t be entered into a contest because we don’t do things like that. Have fun!